Empathy Up Close and Personal

There are lots of ways to gain empathy for others.

There’s the media—books, TV, movies, online videos, podcasts.

There are the people we meet—co-workers from different cultures, students at the university we are attending, neighbors down the street who maybe put up a menorah in their window in December instead of a Christmas tree. The person that your sibling marries, or the child of your friend who has special needs.

As we listen with an open heart and mind, as we experience the “other” with true interest and respect, our empathy increases. Of course, we are always mindful that individuals vary widely in their interests, talents, personalities and so on. Any one person cannot represent their whole group (culture, gender, sexual orientation, religion, etc.), although members of that group probably have feelings and experiences in common as well.

And then, hopefully, we spread that empathy around. Empathy is a value that needs to be shared, that other people need to see and hear.

And we may become true allies and advocates for others. As I have found, this is especially true when that other is close to us. When they share the deeper and more personal aspects of their lives. And of course, when we love them and care deeply about them. Then we have an urge not just to share our empathy, but to stand up for them and try to educate others when those others express non-understanding, whether in innocent or hurtful ways, or when they express a genuine desire to understand further.

And so I have found with my own daughter—my beautiful transgender daughter, who came out to us and our family and friends about a year ago, at age 34. She has shared her deeply personal feelings and experiences, and I want to share that with others, as I can.

Transgender people are particularly being targeted these days, with prejudice and anti-trans laws and derision. In fact, transgender people are being used as political fodder, which is so harmful and hurtful. When our family enjoyed a trip to Alaska this summer, I was prepared to step in if anyone hassled our daughter and to firmly tell them to back off! Confrontation is not my normal forte, as my family will tell you, but this is personal. Don’t mess with my daughter! (As it happened, all was fine.)

When someone expresses doubt that a trans person really has always wanted to be the other gender, I can affirm that my child felt that way since she was very young, which she expressed and I wrote down in the journal I kept on her. It’s good to have this written down, because of course she doesn’t remember her early memories herself, as we all generally don’t. She told me, when she was in first grade, that when she was little (presumably early preschool age) that she hoped that she would turn out to be a girl. At age 3 or 4, gender is just becoming set in, and she thought that it could go either way.

She also said when she was 7 that she really wished she could braid her hair. And now she wears long, lovely braids. I can affirm that everyone in the family has commented on how relaxed and noticeably happier she is now that she is living as her true self. It is a beautiful thing!

Of course, as I said earlier, everyone’s experience is individual. Gender is a continuum, and people figuring out how they feel and what they want for themselves can vary. Certainly by age—I read about a transgender woman who transitioned in her 60s. And as for my own child, she remembers telling her older brother that she wanted to be a tomboy when she was in elementary school, and being dismayed when he said only girls could be tomboys.

So please, don’t be silent—share with others what you know, what you have learned, what your loved one has experienced and felt, to the extent that they feel comfortable with you sharing. As an ally, listen to others, and keep listening, and keep learning. Be open. Remember that everyone’s personal journey is their own. In fact, as she pointed out to me, we are all in a constant process of discovering who we are.

Then empathy will increase in a meaningful way, and you will have made the world a truly better place.

(Note: This blog post was written in collaboration with daughter.)